


Fate and Other Four-Letter Words

by carolinecrane



Category: Big Wolf on Campus
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-03
Updated: 2010-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-12 09:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy, Merton, a Halloween party, and a spiked punch bowl.  All of which Tommy could have handled, if only Merton hadn't smudged his lipstick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fate and Other Four-Letter Words

The past couple hours had given Tommy a lot of time to think, and after long and careful deliberation he'd decided that it all came down to one thing: lipstick. He would have been fine with the costume, he could have handled the slight glazing of blue eyes and the alcohol-induced blush when his best friend turned a lopsided grin in his direction. He might have been able to handle the lipstick, even, if it hadn't been for the fact that at some point during the night, someone or something had smeared one corner of Merton's perfectly painted lips.

He wasn't sure how it had happened. One minute Merton was still carefully put together, his costume a near-perfect replica of the classic Dracula outfit from the Bela Lugosi movie Merton had made him watch so many times that Tommy actually remembered who Bela Lugosi was. And he wasn't really sure why Merton would choose such an overdone costume – especially considering how many real live vampires they'd run into over the past year – but when he'd asked Merton had just muttered something about classics and defamation and turned back to applying his…lipstick. His dark, almost black lipstick, and if Tommy hadn't been so busy trying not to react to the sight of Merton in makeup he might have remembered to ask where he'd gotten it in the first place.

It wasn't like Tommy had a drag fetish or anything. He'd seen Merton dressed in drag once, when Merton dressed in Becky's clothes to save his sister from the alien boy band. At the time Tommy had been a little preoccupied with the boy band itself, although he'd been careful not to admit the real reason why to Merton. Seeing Merton wearing a skirt and makeup wasn't even all that surprising; that was just the kind of thing his best friend came up with, and after a few months of hanging out with him Tommy had learned to expect the unexpected.

So it wasn't the lipstick itself that Tommy couldn't take his eyes off; it was the _smudge_ , that dark red smear across Merton's lip that had appeared in the few moments it took Tommy to find and decide against using the bathroom in the frat house. He hadn't been able to take his eyes off that smear since he noticed it, and it was the first thing he'd noticed when he found his way back to Merton's side. For half an hour he'd been stealing constant glances at it, his mind busy coming up with dozens of different scenarios as to what Merton could have done to smear his lipstick.

It could have been something as innocent as Merton forgetting his carefully applied Dracula makeup long enough to run a hand across his mouth, but Merton wasn't really the type to forget these things. In fact he was the type to obsess about them so much that normally Tommy would be rolling his eyes by now and promising to kill him if he didn't stop asking how he looked. Not that Tommy ever really got tired of looking at Merton, but constantly reassuring him that he looked good when he knew it was never going to lead to anything was a little depressing.

It wasn't really Merton's fault; he didn't know how Tommy felt, after all, and anyway he didn't do it to be annoying. Underneath the arrogance was an insecurity that Tommy had always found endearing, and it was the reason he was willing to indulge Merton whenever he found a new and creative way to demand attention. Sometimes he even wondered what Merton's reaction would be if Tommy finally just told him exactly what he thought of Merton and then followed it up by showing Merton exactly what he'd like to do about it. In vivid detail. Without skipping a single one of the steps he'd so carefully dreamed up over almost a year of fantasizing about what it would be like to do each one.

He'd start with the suspicious smudge of lipstick that started at the corner of Merton's mouth and stretched a little less than an inch along his cheek. Or maybe he'd start with something more subtle, like burying a hand in his best friend's hair and teasing the carefully slicked-back mess into the unruly spikes he'd grown so fond of over the course of their friendship. Or there was always kissing; he'd been dying to know what it would be like to kiss Merton since he finally made some headway with Stacy and realized that she wasn't what he wanted after all. Throwing himself into a relationship with Lori had been another failed attempt to distract himself from the truth of what he wanted, but in the end she'd seen right through him. So after a handful of half-hearted attempts to convince himself he could like girls he'd given up, contenting himself to spending his free time with Merton and telling himself that friendship was enough.

Not that he had much choice in the matter, because even if he told Merton what he wanted he was pretty sure he wouldn't get it. They'd stay friends, sure, but things would change between them and he wasn't sure he could handle that. He was almost positive, in fact, because just the thought of it made his chest ache in a way he hadn't felt since the time Merton got himself turned to stone.

"Hey, Tommy?"

And just that voice…yeah, there was definitely no chance of him surviving life post-Merton. "Yeah, buddy?"

"I think somebody spiked the punch."

Tommy turned his attention away from Merton's mouth just in time to watch his friend sway dangerously, the cup he was currently frowning into shaking a little in his hand. Before the cup and its owner hit the floor Tommy took two long steps forward, sliding an arm around Merton's waist to help him find his balance. "It's a frat party, Merton. What'd you expect?"

He hadn't meant to sound so annoyed, but the fact was that he would have been perfectly happy to spend their first Halloween in college hanging out in their dorm room, watching a horror movie marathon on Merton's TV and making fun of the bad effects they'd seen a million times before. He'd had his fill of loud parties back in high school, in the days when he still thought it was important to be part of the popular crowd and he'd been invited to all the best parties. Once he started hanging out with Merton he'd started turning invitations down, and he barely even noticed when people just stopped asking. It didn't matter, because he had exactly what he wanted already. Nobody could ever ask for a better friend than Merton, and Tommy almost didn't mind the fact that he'd never get more from his best friend than friendship.

Okay, so sometimes it was a little hard to take, especially when Merton was leaning heavily against him as he lifted his cup and downed the rest of his drink. "What are you doing?" Tommy demanded, reaching for the cup too late and succeeding only in smudging Merton's lipstick a little more.

"What? I've never been drunk before. I mean the damage is already done, at least I think it is." He carefully shook out of Tommy's grip, holding his arms out on either side of him and staring down at the floor. A moment later he shook his head mournfully and looked up at Tommy. "I think I have to drink more to know what it's really like."

"Trust me, it's not that interesting," Tommy answered, setting Merton's empty cup down on the nearest flat surface without taking his eyes off his friend. He'd never been much of a drinker, but he'd experimented a couple times in high school and he'd never really seen the appeal. Being that out of control of himself was a weird feeling, and the headache he inevitably woke up with definitely wasn't worth it. "I think that's enough party for one night. Come on."

Merton pouted up at him and for a second Tommy was sure his heart had stopped beating. And it just wasn't fair that his best friend could do this to him without even trying, because he was almost positive Merton didn't have any clue how sexy he was when he stuck his lip out like that. It made Tommy want to do things that made him blush just to think them, let alone what would happen if he tried to say them out loud. He couldn't even imagine Merton's face if Tommy leaned forward and pressed his mouth to his best friend's ear, confessing in a throaty whisper exactly how long he'd wanted to suck on that full bottom lip.

"Are you mad?"

The unexpected question startled Tommy out of his fantasy, and he hoped Merton wouldn't notice the heat creeping into his cheeks as he gripped the other boy's arm and began steering him through the crowd. He didn't try to answer; he couldn't, not without risking a confession that he definitely was not planning on making. Certainly not in the middle of a loud, crowded costume party, and not when Merton was tipsy from his first adventure with a mind-altering substance.

As soon as they got outside Tommy sucked in a sharp breath, letting the crisp October air fill his lungs. Or maybe it was November by now; it was possible they'd been in the frat house long enough for midnight to come and go, it felt like they'd been in there for days. He started down the sidewalk toward their dorm, but as soon as they got to the bottom of the steps Merton wrenched his arm out of Tommy's grip and stopped.

Tommy turned abruptly, just in time to watch Merton cross his arms over his chest and fix Tommy with the most accusing glare he'd ever seen. It was bright enough outside the frat house for Tommy to see Merton's face, right down to the carefully painted lips that were even more smudged now than they had been. All Tommy could think about was that smudge that he knew now was probably just from the plastic cup, but he couldn't help wondering what Merton would look like if Tommy kissed him. He'd never wanted anything quite as much as he wanted to see his best friend's mouth kiss-bruised and thoroughly debauched, his lipstick smeared even more obscenely than it already was.

"You are mad. It's not my fault, Tommy. I didn't know."

For one terrifying second Tommy froze, positive that Merton had somehow read his mind and that he was apologizing for…what? For ignoring his best friend's feelings even though he didn't know about them? Before he managed to embarrass either of them Tommy realized that Merton wasn't talking about them at all, and he shook his head in a desperate attempt to cover his relief. "I'm not mad about the drink, Merton. But you kinda had to expect it at a frat party. I told you I didn't want to come to this thing in the first place."

"Obviously," Merton muttered, his gaze wandering up and down Tommy's costume before he sighed and looked down at the sidewalk between them. "You didn't even try."

Tommy frowned down at his Badgers uniform for a long moment before he looked up again, sighing when he registered the genuine disappointment in Merton's expression. It had taken his roommate almost an hour to talk him into going to the party in the first place, and when Tommy had realized he was supposed to come up with a costume too he'd gone with the easiest option he could think of. He felt comfortable in his football uniform, at least, and nobody at the party but Merton knew that he'd actually been on the team in high school.

He was right, though; Tommy hadn't tried, not really. The few costume suggestions he'd made before they finally compromised with his football uniform were sarcastic and meant to display exactly how much he _didn't_ want to go to the party. At first he'd suggested going as a college student, which hadn't even gotten a laugh out of Merton. When he'd mentioned the option of just wolfing out and going as Teen Wolf Merton had actually frowned at him, then launched into a ten minute lecture about not letting his guard down that had left Tommy wishing he'd never suggested it. In the end the football uniform had seemed like the safest option, but if he'd realized that Merton actually cared he might have tried a little harder.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I just don't get why you wanted to come to this party in the first place. It's not like we know any of those people."

"Tommy, it's Halloween. What would you rather be doing? Hanging out in our room? It's college, we're supposed to be trying all these new things."

Tommy opened his mouth to say that yes, he'd rather hang out in their room than go to some loud party where neither of them knew anyone. He wanted to tell Merton that it didn't matter that they were hanging out alone in their room as long as they were together, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. It would be too much like admitting the truth, and as much as part of him just wanted to get it over with, there was a part of him that couldn't risk losing his best friend. "I just…I'm sick of that stuff, Merton. I went to all those parties in high school."

"Yeah, well, I didn't." The sting in Merton's words was unmistakable, and Tommy could have kicked himself for forgetting all the lonely nights Merton must have spent hanging out in the lair by himself before they became friends. It was hard to remember sometimes that he and Merton hadn't always been best friends; his life before Merton and the wolf seemed like something that had happened to somebody else, and he'd given up wishing he could have it back a long time ago. "If you didn't want to go you should have just stayed home."

"What, alone?"

"Yes, alone. Come on, Tommy, I don't need you to baby sit me. I could have gone to the party by myself."

A dozen different images flashed through Tommy's mind at once, every one of them ending in Merton either passed out alone in a strange room or hurt in some horrible, dramatic way that made Tommy's stomach turn. He was tempted to point out that Merton couldn't even manage to avoid drinking spiked punch, let alone actually handle himself in a crowd of kids he didn't know. It would just make his best friend feel worse, though, and Tommy really didn't want to spend the rest of the night arguing with him. "Look, do you want to go back inside?"

As soon as he suggested it Merton frowned, then he glanced over his shoulder at the frat house. For a long moment Tommy was afraid he was going to say yes, that that was exactly what he wanted to do. Then Merton turned back to him and shook his head, and Tommy let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "It wouldn't be any fun without you."

"It wasn't that much fun _with_ me," Tommy pointed out, but he grinned as he slid an arm around Merton's shoulders and steered them back toward the dorm. "You wanna go back to our room and watch a movie or something? We can even watch a werewolf movie if you want."

The grin that got him made it worth the suggestion, and he had to stop himself from leaning over and brushing his lips across Merton's temple. It felt like the most natural response in the world, but he knew if he gave in to the impulse that he'd regret it. Walking with his arm around Merton always made him a little light-headed, but tonight he felt like he was the one that had downed a glass of fruit punch and vodka on an empty stomach. The fact that Merton was leaning into him didn't really help, and he knew if he didn't find something to distract him that he was going to say or do something they'd both regret.

"Look, Merton, I'm sorry. About what I said before."

Yeah, there was nothing like reminding his best friend of his most recent bout of insensitivity to ruin the mood. He could tell Merton knew exactly what he meant by the way the other boy tensed under his touch, and he instantly regretted opening his mouth. Kissing Merton probably would have been better; at least that would have been a sort of compliment, even if it ruined their friendship.

"Forget it, Tommy," Merton answered, stopping the rambling apology before Tommy had a chance to embarrass either of them any more. "It's true."

"Yeah, but…"

"Really, it's okay." Tommy just caught the self-conscious smile before Merton dipped his head and looked away, but he could feel the other boy's blush even though Merton was trying to hide it. Instinctively his grip on Merton's shoulder's tightened, and he was glad the dorm was only a few blocks from frat row so he wouldn't have to make awkward conversation for much longer. It shouldn't be so hard to talk to his best friend, but after spending most of the night staring at Merton's mouth it was hard not to let his mind wander.

"Hey, next year you can do my costume too, okay?" The suggestion had exactly the affect he'd been going for; Merton's eyes lit up as he looked up at Tommy again, and it was a struggle not to groan at the appearance of yet another one of his best friend's shy smiles.

"Really?"

"Sure. You did a great job with your costume," Tommy answered, using the conversation as an excuse to rub the edge of the satin cape between his thumb and forefinger. "It really looks like the real thing."

"So the makeup's not too much?"

"No," he said, the corners of his mouth twitching as he stopped and turned to face the other boy. "Only…"

And before he could stop himself he was reaching up, his fingers fitting to the curve of Merton's jaw. He watched his thumb trace the edge of the other boy's mouth, dragging blood red lipstick over his skin. He repeated the motion until the smear was gone, letting his hand linger for just a second longer than he needed to. When he realized he was still standing out in the cold staring at his best friend's mouth he cleared his throat and took a step backwards, his hand dropping back down to his side. "You…uh…you smeared your lipstick."

"Oh. Thanks." Merton grinned and turned back in the direction of the dorm, not waiting for Tommy before he started walking again. For a long moment Tommy watched him walk away, blood pounding against his ears as he wondered what had just happened. Was he totally crazy, or had they just had…something? Maybe not an actual moment like the ones he'd heard about in movies or books, but it was _something_. At least he'd felt something, but maybe Merton hadn't. Maybe the fact that he wasn't attracted to guys had something to do with that. Tommy swallowed a sigh and forced his legs to carry him forward, easily catching up with Merton before they reached the steps that led to the front of the dorm.

Neither of them said anything else until they reached their room, and as soon as Tommy closed the door Merton turned his back to his roommate and began taking off his costume. For a minute Tommy stood right in front of the door and watched him, but as soon as Merton dropped his cape on his bed and reached for his pants Tommy flushed and turned away. It was one thing to be confused about what had happened outside, but he couldn't just stand there and stare while Merton took off his clothes. Besides, he couldn't exactly hang out in his football uniform all night, and anyway changing his own clothes would help him keep his mind off what his roommate was doing.

He turned his back to Merton and pulled his jersey over his head, taking his time folding it before he tucked it carefully back into a drawer. Next he pushed his uniform pants off, letting them fall to the floor and reaching for a pair of sweatpants as quickly as possible. He'd managed not to completely humiliate himself yet tonight, but he couldn't help his body's reaction to the way Merton's mouth had felt under his thumb, and the more he pictured it the stronger the familiar tightening in his groin got. Even in sweatpants Merton would be able to tell if he was hard; that was if he was looking. He wouldn't say anything, but the fact that he'd know was embarrassing enough. Maybe he wouldn't even jump to the right conclusion, but Tommy didn't want to have to spend the rest of his life wondering.

By the time he was dressed in sweatpants and an undershirt Merton had managed to change completely, and Tommy turned to find the other boy wearing a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a black tee shirt. "I'm gonna go wash my face," Merton announced, not quite meeting Tommy's gaze as he picked up his soap and a washcloth. "You can pick out a movie if you want."

Tommy nodded without really processing the words; it was all he could do to focus on trying to look like he wasn't losing his mind, because that was exactly what it felt like was happening to him. The air in the room felt charged somehow, and even though he was sure he was imagining it he couldn't help reacting to it. The skin along his neck and forearms was buzzing the way it did just before he wolfed out, which had to be a bad sign. Merton hadn't seemed to notice any of it, and usually he noticed when Tommy was just on the edge of losing control before even Tommy did. So that meant either Merton couldn't tell or he didn't want to know, and Tommy had no idea which was worse.

It felt like hours before his roommate reappeared, his pale skin scrubbed pink and his hair once again an unruly mess of spikes. Every trace of the makeup he'd been wearing was gone, and Tommy found himself almost disappointed that his lips were back to their normal color. Not that he didn't love Merton's mouth – on the contrary, several of his favorite fantasies involved those exact lips – but there was something about the blood red lipstick that made everything seem almost dreamlike. Like maybe if Merton was still wearing that lipstick it wouldn't count when Tommy leaned over and kissed him, like they could just chalk it up to the night and the costume and tomorrow morning they could pretend nothing had even happened. Only Tommy would never be able to forget, no matter how much he wanted to believe that he could.

"Hey, Merton?"

"Yeah?" Merton asked, picking up the video Tommy had chosen at random from his roommate's horror section.

"Where'd you get all that stuff, anyway? I mean the makeup and stuff. I thought you just heard about the party yesterday."

Merton shrugged and picked up the remote before he took a seat on the edge of his bed, glancing up at Tommy and raising an eyebrow. It took Tommy a few seconds to realize that he was still standing in the middle of the room, and he flushed and crossed to Merton's bed. He told himself as he sank onto the mattress and moved back to lean against the wall that it was the best place to see the TV, that it didn't have anything to do with being close to Merton. He wasn't hoping for an accidental brush of hands or even Merton's thigh pressed absently against his. He wasn't hoping for anything, because they were just friends.

"It was just good timing," Merton answered once Tommy had settled against the wall, glancing over his shoulder quickly before he turned back to the television. "When I went home last weekend to pick up some books I found that old costume in my closet. I still had the makeup and stuff so I just brought it back here. I wouldn't have made you go to a costume party if I didn't already have the costume."

Tommy grinned at the logic of that; only Merton would have an authentic-looking, no doubt expensive Dracula costume just lying around gathering dust at home. He stretched his legs out in front of him and reached behind Merton to grab a pillow to put behind his back, swallowing a shudder when Merton moved backwards without looking and nearly collided with him. "Sorry," Tommy muttered, pulling the pillow with him as he straightened up.

"No problem," Merton answered, setting the remote on the mattress and glancing behind him before he pushed himself back to lean against the wall next to Tommy. They watched the credits roll across the screen in silence, Tommy trying not to twitch every time he felt Merton shift next to him. He found himself wishing they had a bowl of popcorn or something just so he could occupy himself with trying to brush their fingers together without looking obvious, and the thought evoked a surprised laugh before he had a chance to stop it. The sound made Merton turn toward him, forgetting the movie long enough to raise an eyebrow at the other boy. "What?"

"Nothing," Tommy choked out between gasps for air, thankful he was laughing so he wouldn't have to explain the hot blush creeping up his neck. It wasn't even funny so much as it was pathetic, and he knew if he told Merton his best friend would just look at him like he'd lost his mind. Not that he wasn't already looking at Tommy that way, but at least he wasn't moving away or stammering out an awkward 'I like you but I don't _like_ you like you' speech. The idea of Merton letting him down gently was enough to stop Tommy's laughter as abruptly as it had started, and when he found himself frowning at the TV screen he was almost sure he was going crazy.

For a long moment Merton didn't say anything else, but Tommy could feel his best friend's eyes on him. That couldn't be a good sign, because it meant that Merton was trying to work out what he was missing. Unless he hadn't bothered to mention it Tommy was pretty sure Merton hadn't taken up mind reading, but he knew if his roommate started asking the right questions he was going to figure it out. He stole a quick glance to his right and swallowed hard when he found Merton staring at him, his tongue darting out unconsciously to wet his lips before he spoke.

"Tommy, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Tommy managed, although he felt anything but. In fact, he was pretty sure sitting this close to the object of his fantasies could qualify as actual torture, but there was no way he could explain that to Merton.

"Are you sure? Because you're acting pretty strange."

And there was really no arguing with that, because he felt pretty strange so he wasn't surprised Merton had noticed. Still, it wouldn't do him any good to try to come up with an explanation. "I'm fine, Merton. Just watch the movie."

He heard a sigh as his roommate turned back to the television, but he knew neither of them was going to be able to concentrate on the movie. Merton would be too busy wondering what was going on with Tommy, and Tommy would be too busy worrying that Merton was going to figure it out.

"Is it me?"

"What?" He hadn't meant to sound quite so alarmed, but the question was so close to what he'd been thinking that for a second Tommy thought maybe Merton had already figured it out.

When Merton started talking again he looked so nervous that Tommy instantly felt guilty for his reaction, but his heart was still pounding and he was almost sure the other boy could hear it. "Did I do something? I'm sorry about the party, I thought you'd have a good time."

"It's not…there's nothing wrong, Merton," Tommy amended, crossing his arms over his chest to stop himself from reaching over and smoothing the worry lines out of the other boy's forehead. It wasn't often lately that he got the chance to study Merton from so close up, and for a second he almost forgot that he wasn't supposed to stare. It was nice to be able to just sit there next to him and hear him breathing, but it was obvious from his expression that he thought he'd done something to upset Tommy. "Look, we're friends, right?"

"Of course, Tommy. You're…yes."

Tommy caught the hesitation in Merton's voice before he stopped himself and snapped his mouth shut, and part of him really wanted to press the other boy to finish his sentence. He wanted to know exactly what Merton thought about him – about them – because even if it wasn't what Tommy felt at least he'd finally know for sure where he stood. He had a feeling that even if he asked he wouldn't get an answer, though, so he just shook his head and turned back to the movie. "So don't worry about it. We're always gonna be friends, Merton."

Another frustrated sigh escaped Merton, and Tommy felt his heart skip a beat as he wondered if his best friend's frustration could mean anything. He had no idea what they were talking about anymore; whether they were talking about the night or their friendship in general or where exactly their relationship was going. If that was what Merton had been asking then Tommy had just screwed up bigger than he ever had before in his life; worse than all the times he'd unwittingly reminded Merton that he used to be the school loser, worse even than getting bit by the wolf that brought them together in the first place. Merton was the best thing that had come out of that, and Tommy had a feeling he didn't even know it. As soon as the thought occurred to him he forgot that he was supposed to be pretending to watch the movie and turned to face the other boy. "You know that, right? You're the best friend I've ever had, and not just because of the wolf stuff. I mean in a way I'm glad for the wolf stuff, because if it wasn't for that…"

"We wouldn't even know each other," Merton finished for him, catching his lip between his teeth as he looked down at the comforter.

"Maybe," Tommy murmured, but his voice sounded soft and far away and he wasn't even sure if Merton had heard him. Just the thought of missing out on their friendship because he'd been too shallow and self-absorbed to see what was right in front of him…that thought made his heart ache in a way he'd never thought possible, and before he could stop himself his hand was on Merton's shoulder. "Maybe not, though, you know? I mean that time I got my wish not to be the wolf anymore I still wanted to be your friend."

"Only because you needed my help," Merton answered, glancing up at Tommy with an almost accusatory look before he went right back to his staring contest with the bed. "If you'd never gotten bit at all you never would have known who I was. You didn't even know my name, Tommy."

And there was no arguing with that, because they both knew he was right. If he hadn't gotten bit Tommy probably would have taken a lot longer to grow up, and Merton would have gone off to the University of Heidelberg without a backwards glance. They both would have missed out on something so potentially amazing…and suddenly Tommy didn't want to play it safe anymore, he didn't want to wait another minute to know if they could have everything he'd spent so much time trying not to hope for. "Merton?"

"Tommy, it's okay…"

"No, it's not that. Just shut up and listen for a second, okay?"

He realized his hand had moved from Merton's shoulder to the back of his neck when he felt the other boy nod, soft hair brushing his fingers as Merton's skin moved under his hand. He wasn't at all sure he was doing the right thing, but now that he'd started he didn't think he could stop. He didn't want to, not when just the idea that Merton might feel something for him made his whole body shake with anticipation. And he was shaking, he was sure Merton could feel it but he couldn't focus on controlling his body and saying what he needed to say at the same time.

"I was a jerk back then, I know. And maybe we never would have been friends if it hadn't been for you, but I'm glad. I'm glad I got bit, because I wouldn't want to go back to not knowing you." It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say, but it was close enough to the truth to make him nervous when Merton didn't look up at him right away. He took a deep breath and started to pull his hand away, intent on moving to a safe distance so Merton could get away from him if he wanted to. But as soon as he started to move a hand closed over his, and when he looked up again Merton was looking right at him.

"You don't know everything about me, Tommy."

Okay, not the reaction he'd been expecting, but he couldn't quite ignore the tiny flicker of hope burning in his chest as Merton's fingers closed around his. "Yeah, well, you don't know everything about me, either."

There was a split second of recognition when their eyes met, and even though it lasted less than a heartbeat he knew he'd seen his hope mirrored back in Merton's eyes. It couldn't be, though, because Merton had never shown even the slightest interest in him. They'd been close so many times Tommy had lost count, they'd fallen asleep together more times than he could remember and never in all that time had Merton ever acted like he was even remotely interested in more than friendship. Merton was still staring at him, though, his lips slightly parted and the scent Tommy would recognize anywhere heightened just a little by fear or anticipation or maybe even the same desperation that Tommy was feeling.

He knew he should say something to set them both at ease, tell Merton it was okay and they were still friends. He should just back off a little, just enough to give them both time to figure out what they were doing before they did anything they couldn't take back. He'd never been that good at following his better judgment when his instincts were so much stronger, though, and when he found himself leaning forward and tugging the other boy gently toward him he knew what was going to win out this time too.

The first brush of lips against lips was so gentle he wasn't sure it had really happened; it was tentative and shy and over so fast that he felt almost cheated until he realized that it was him that had pulled away. Merton was staring back at him from less than three inches away, searching Tommy's face the same way Tommy was searching his for any sign that this was what he wanted. And he wasn't sure how he knew, but somehow when he looked at Merton he understood that it had been there right in plain sight the whole time. Merton had always felt this way, even when they were both working so hard to convince themselves and each other that they wanted what everyone around them told them they should want. All the fighting over Lori and all the other girls had been a waste of time, and all the jealousy had been misdirected to cover what they'd both been feeling the whole time.

He remembered every moment of betrayal, every time he'd pushed down his real feelings out of fear that their friendship wasn't strong enough to survive this. And maybe it hadn't been then, maybe it wasn't until they left high school behind and Merton went away and then came back to him. That was when Tommy knew for sure that he couldn't live without his best friend so maybe Merton had needed to go away to find out that he couldn't live without Tommy either. Which meant that now there was nothing standing in the way of what he'd wanted all this time but always been too afraid to ask for.

"Tommy…"

The sound of his name in that voice that he knew so well snapped him back to reality, and he realized he was still staring at Merton with what was undoubtedly an awed look on his face. He had a million questions, things like 'when' and 'how' and 'how long', but he already knew the answers and now wasn't the time for talking. The sounds of the movie faded into the background until all he knew was the few inches of space between him and Merton, the charge in the air that he was sure they both felt. He leaned forward again, cutting off whatever Merton had been about to say because words couldn't possibly do justice to the way he felt in that moment.

Merton didn't seem to mind, though, because his hand left Tommy's to close around the front of his shirt, tugging him impossibly closer as he parted his lips under the insistent pressure of the kiss. Tommy swallowed the sound of Merton's sigh and let Merton pull him forward, his free hand on the smaller boy's waist for balance as Merton sank onto the mattress. And just like that Tommy found himself sprawled on top of his best friend, like it was the easiest thing in the world and if he'd just said something they could have been doing this months ago. He could have had months more of Merton's arms around his neck, Merton's fingers in his hair and Merton's mouth…God, his mouth was softer and sweeter than Tommy had even imagined, and he knew – he _knew_ he'd never get enough.

And the best part of all was that he didn't have to worry about that, because he didn't ever have to give up Merton. They were best friends, but more than that, they were bound together by trust and loyalty and a secret that Tommy had always known would keep them together in one way or another for the rest of their lives. Maybe Merton hadn't thought that far ahead yet – and every time his friend got a little insecure about his place in Tommy's life he knew that Merton really didn't understand – but some deep, instinctive part of Tommy had always known that he and Merton belonged to each other. It was love, sure, but it was so much more than that, more even than need or affection or anything that Tommy could put a name to. Merton knew him better than anyone else in the world, and as far as Tommy was concerned that was the way it was always going to stay. And now that Merton knew his last secret they were connected in a way that he hadn't let himself hope for, because he'd known if he ever had a taste of this that he'd never be able to go back to just being Merton's friend.

That thought was sobering, and he lifted his head and ignored the disappointed whimper that escaped the other boy's throat long enough to run strong fingers down the curve of a pale neck. "Merton, this is more than just tonight, right? I mean I want it to be, but I don't know what you want."

For a long moment Merton just stared up at him, and he was almost sure he'd just ruined everything when finally his best friend reached up to run slender fingers through Tommy's hair. "I hoped…I wasn't sure, I mean until tonight I thought for sure I was just hallucinating whenever it seemed like you were looking at me. I mean you're…well, _you_ , and friends is one thing, but this…"

A finger pressed against his lips stopped the nonsensical flow of words, and Tommy leaned down to press a soft, reassuring kiss against Merton's mouth before he pulled back to look at him again. "I love you."

Merton's eyes got a little wider and Tommy's heart did a back flip, his breath catching in his throat as he prayed to any higher power that was listening that he hadn't just overplayed his hand. He watched Merton's throat move in a convulsive swallow, then his mouth opened and closed again. He swallowed one more time, then cleared his throat and tried again. "I love you too, Tommy. I mean I never thought…"

"Don't do that, Merton."

"W-what?"

"Don't start telling me that I'm too good for you and you never thought I'd think of you that way because you're just you. You still don't get it, do you? That's _why_ I love you, because you're you. You're the best friend a guy could ask for. I'm the lucky one here, okay?"

Merton nodded convulsively, and Tommy grinned and leaned forward to press a soft kiss to each of his eyes. He could tell the other boy was struggling to control his emotions, that he was probably afraid to talk for fear that he'd start crying. Or that he wouldn't be able to stop talking. Or possibly both. Either way silence suited Tommy fine, and he knew better than to let the rare sight of a speechless Merton pass him by. His mouth left Merton's cheek to claim his lips again, parting instantly to meet his best friend in a hard, possessive kiss. He was stretched out more or less on top of Merton, one hand still buried in the other boy's hair as they rocked together. And they had way too many clothes on, but Tommy wasn't sure how far to push things on their first night together.

Only he couldn't really count it as their first night together when they'd already been through so much. In a way it felt as though this was the final step in the bond they'd been building steadily for over a year, the last declaration of their interdependence. When he felt Merton's hands slide under his undershirt to flatten against his back he knew the other boy felt the same way, and he pulled his hand out of Merton's hair and sat up long enough to tug his shirt over his head.

He'd never been terribly self-conscious about his body; he'd changed in front of plenty of guys in the locker room during football season, not to mention gym class. He'd changed in front of Merton plenty of times, but never in his life had he felt more exposed than he did when he pulled his shirt off and looked down to find Merton watching him. There was no question that he could trust his roommate, though, and that fact made it a little easier to swing one leg over Merton's hips and run his hands under the other boy's tee shirt for the first time. He took his time inching the fabric up Merton's stomach, keeping his gaze focused on each new inch of skin that was revealed.

He'd never had much opportunity to really look at his best friend, because Merton was always self-conscious about changing in front of him and it wasn't exactly the kind of thing he could have just brought up in casual conversation. He could feel how nervous Merton was by the way his stomach trembled under Tommy's touch, and he heard the low, soothing noises coming from somewhere deep in his throat before he even realized he was making them. When he felt Merton relax a little under his touch he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to the base of his stomach just above the waistband of his pajama bottoms. He could feel the heat emanating from Merton's groin through the flannel, but he moved his mouth further up Merton's stomach until he'd pushed the other boy's shirt all the way up his chest.

There was a brief moment of indecision as Tommy tried to decide whether to stop long enough to take Merton's shirt off or to continue his exploration of the expanse of pale skin stretched out before him. In the end Merton made the decision for him, a deep, shaky breath lifting his chest as he reached for his shirt and lifted up enough to tug it over his head. Tommy couldn't help smiling as he closed his mouth around a pink nipple, his tongue darting out to drag across taut skin at the exact moment that Merton let out a shocked gasp. He felt Merton's hands in his hair again, tightening just enough to hold Tommy's mouth in place. And he really didn't have a clue what he was doing, but Merton didn't seem to have any complaints so far. When he heard another gasp and felt Merton's hips buck underneath him he lifted his head enough to move to the other side of Merton's chest, repeating the process until Merton was arching into his mouth and murmuring incoherently.

Finally he worked his way back up the other boy's neck, settling between Merton's legs to rock their hips together as he pressed hot kisses to the skin just below the other boy's ear. "We don't have to do anything," he whispered, which really wasn't fair considering what he'd already done, but he felt like he should at least offer to stop. "Not if you're not ready."

"Ready?" Somehow Merton managed to sound strangled and incredulous at the same time, his hips never missing a beat as he rocked a little more urgently against Tommy. "God, Tommy…you have no…idea…"

Every word sounded like an effort, and Tommy finally took pity on Merton and pressed their lips together to stop him from finishing the sentence. He knew what Merton was trying to say anyway, because it was exactly the way he felt. They'd waited too long for this, been quiet out of fear and the kind of love that was too self-sacrificing for its own good. There was no way either of them was going to waste any more time, although Tommy wouldn't have considered it a waste of time if Merton had just wanted to curl up against him and go to sleep. Every second he spent with Merton was worthwhile, no matter what they were doing, and somehow he knew Merton felt the same way.

He could feel Merton still shaking underneath him, but now he wasn't sure if it was because he was nervous or because he'd waited so long for Tommy to open his eyes. And later he'd ask why Merton never said anything, but he had a feeling it had something to do with Tommy being ready to deal with what was happening between them. Merton always seemed to know exactly when Tommy was ready to deal with something, even when Tommy didn't know he'd been thinking about it. Right now, though, they both knew exactly what they wanted, and for the first time neither of them was afraid to do something about it.

Almost as if he could read Tommy's mind Merton's hands left his back to dip below the waistband of his sweatpants. The touch was tentative, as though he wasn't exactly sure what he was doing, but when Tommy groaned his approval against Merton's mouth the other boy's hands grew a little bolder. He pushed the fabric down Tommy's hips, growling his frustration when they had to part long enough for Tommy to help him wrestle them off. Cool air hit his fevered skin and he shivered at the combined sensations of being completely exposed and knowing that he was doing this for the first time with Merton. Merton who loved him; Merton who he'd fallen for without even knowing it.

Merton who still had way too many clothes on.

It was an effort to tear himself away from the other boy's warmth even far enough to work a hand between them, and even when he found the drawstring to Merton's pants he couldn't get his brain to work with him long enough to remember how to get it open. Finally Merton's fingers pushed his gently out of the way, loosening the knot and pushing down the last two layers of fabric separating them. For a moment after he'd kicked off his pajamas and boxers Tommy lay on his side and just looked at him, ignoring the hot blush in the other boy's cheeks as he let a hand trace the curve of Merton's hip. He ghosted his fingers across the other boy's stomach, then up his chest to cup his cheek in the palm of his hand.

When their eyes met again Tommy leaned forward, pressing his lips to the other boy's in a kiss so soft that he had to work hard to swallow around the lump in his throat. He could feel Merton's heart beating against his palm when his hand trailed down to the other boy's chest again, fast and steady and letting Tommy know that this was really happening. His mouth followed the trail of his hand, pressing a hot kiss to the top of Merton's collarbone before he moved down the center of his chest. And Merton was still shaking with a mixture of nerves and anticipation, but when Tommy's tongue dipped into his belly button he groaned and thrust his hips in a futile search for friction.

The movement brought the tip of Merton's cock close enough to Tommy's cheek that he could feel the heat emanating off the other boy, and he pressed his cheek to Merton's stomach as he closed his fingers around his best friend's length for the first time. He'd done this for himself, of course, and he'd imagined what it would be like to have someone else do it for him. He'd tried imagining what it would feel like to have Merton's cock in his hand, pulsing against his palm and slick with pre-come. His imagination hadn't come anywhere near the actual experience, though, and when he leaned down to run his tongue across the swollen head Merton gasped and thrust up. Before Tommy knew it half Merton's length was in his mouth, and he fought the urge to gag as he pulled his mouth off the other boy and repositioned himself so he could get a grip on Merton's hips.

He held the other boy firm against the mattress and leaned over again, running his tongue up the length of Merton's cock before he closed his mouth around the tip again and slid his lips as far down as he could go. This was something he'd never been able to do on himself; no amount of flexibility training was going to make that possible, but he'd imagined it enough times to sort of know what he was doing. At least he hoped he was doing okay, and judging by the way Merton struggled against his iron grip he figured he couldn't be doing too badly.

Merton's hands were in his hair, fingers flexing and releasing as Tommy swallowed around his length. He had a feeling it wouldn't be too much longer when he heard a choked moan, then the other boy tensed underneath him and Tommy swallowed around Merton's cock one last time. That was all it took, and less than five minutes after Tommy touched him for the first time Merton arched into his mouth and came. And it turned out he tasted the same as Tommy, but different too in a way Tommy wouldn't have been able to explain. He swallowed one more time before he pulled his mouth off the other boy, kissing his way back up Merton's chest to fuse their lips together again.

He thrust automatically against the body underneath his, sliding against sweat-slick skin as he sought just the right amount of friction to bring him over the edge. There was no way he could last long enough to really count it as his first time, but he knew there would be plenty of time to make up for that later. They lived together, after all, and they had the rest of their lives to learn every single thing there was to know about each other. So he didn't really mind when he felt the ball of desire at the pit of his stomach tighten the moment Merton's fist closed around his cock, and he didn't even try to hold back as he thrust into the other boy's firm grip. He felt himself rolling onto his back, but he wasn't sure if he'd moved or if Merton had guided him down onto the pillows. Either way it didn't matter, because the other boy was kneeling over him and then Merton's mouth found his again.

Merton's hand was still moving on his cock, his thumb brushing the tip with each upstroke and sending a shiver of white-hot desire down Tommy's spine. And they weren't even really kissing anymore so much as breathing in tandem, but that was almost as good because every nerve ending in his body was focused on the almost painful pleasure at the base of his spine. Just when he thought he'd die from the amazing sensation of his best friend jerking him off Merton twisted his wrist just a little, tightening his grip and surprising Tommy's orgasm out of him.

And he'd have to remember to ask where Merton had learned that trick, but the question would have to wait until later when he remembered where he'd left his brain. It was possible it had melted right out of him along with all his bones and his ability to form coherent thoughts, because the only thing he knew for sure was that he was never, ever getting out of Merton's bed again. He felt warm skin slide against his own and used the last of his strength to turn into it, burying his face in Merton's neck to breathe in the other boy's scent as he waited for his heart rate to return to normal.

When the blood stopped pounding so hard against his ears he realized that Merton was murmuring something into his hair, and he tilted his head far enough to get a look at the other boy. As soon as Merton realized that Tommy was looking at him he blushed, but he didn't look away and before Tommy could even ask what he'd said Merton leaned forward and pressed their lips together. "I love you," he whispered when they parted again. "I never thought…"

"I know," Tommy interrupted, sliding his arms around Merton and pulling him close so he wouldn't have to hear the rest of that sentence. He didn't want to hear Merton say the words 'I never thought you'd want me', he didn't want to hear Merton say anything like that ever again. They'd wasted enough time being afraid of the truth, and there was no way he was going to let either of them waste any more on useless regret. "I love you too," he added, pressing his lips to the corner of Merton's mouth before he pulled back and buried his face in the other boy's neck again. He listened to Merton's heart beat until his breathing slowly began to even out, his grip on Tommy slackening a little as he finally fell asleep.

Once he was sure Merton was sleeping he let himself relax, closing his eyes and pressing a final kiss to the side of his best friend's neck. He could have tried to reassure Merton with a speech about how it was meant to be and it had worked out exactly the way it was supposed to, but he knew that wasn't true. The fact was that he was just lucky he'd stumbled into Merton's life no matter how it happened, and he was never going to forget how close he came to missing out on the best thing that had ever happened to him.


End file.
